Last Thursday (I recall it was a Thursday)
I was opening up the business, it musta been around 5 to 9, I stepped outside to raise the shutters. There was in front of me 2 little about-to-be-late-for-school girls and as I stepped outside their mother called on them to hurry along by telling them that I was and I quote "a bad man coming to get them"

Call me uber-sensitive if you like, but I hate it when some single-mom oversleeps as a result of having her 4th one-night-love-affair o'the week and shifts the blame from herself to another. I mean, she could've got her kids to school on time without publicaly labeling me as some sort of a nonce. Or at the least she can explain to her three and four year old simply that she's a slag and isn't fit to look after a.. a... I dunno... a turd, let alone two beautiful children.

But I s'ppose the grueling regime of daytime soaps and ass-sitting must be taking it's toll on her. I would love to have been present at their births... I could have said "hurry up kids, here's a 'bad motha' waiting to fek your life up" bitch.

Is it really easier to instil fear into your children and destroy thier innocence than it is to set your alarm clock 10 minutes earlier? What is with these people already?

You have to laugh, really, honest you do.
I love all these terms they think up to define perfectly normal reactions and conditions we all have in the interest of selling books/keeping Oprah on the air and turning us into obedient consumer drones.

"road rage" has to be among the best of them, really! it's a classic... the old marketing boys musta came buckets over this one boy, I tell ya. The page I've pasted below is fantastic, it tells us how to cope with road rage and how to prevent ourselves from feeling anger towards dangerous drivers, it reminds us that feeling aggression toward these people is a failing in us and we need to work on 'US' in order to eliminate the feared road rage.

If I were to write a road rage book it would be the antithesis of err.. Dr Mike's. I personally feel if some feker pulls out infront of me, thereby cutting my safe braking distance in half, putting my families life in jeopardy, then I may well show that driver my magic finger and I may even tell the bastard or bitch (it might be a lady) all the clever swear words I've picked up over the years.

I wonder if our pal Dr Mike knows how many of the bodies that are scraped up off the motorways are caused by lunatic drivers.... I would estimate it at 100%, I would also estimate him at 'being a pri*k who's cashing in on the term road rage, I'll bet he's also written on battered wife syndrome, post code lotteries and the yetti.

I would write more but obviously my ADHD is kicking in.




read and laugh
the nerve of these people, actually telling us how to feel and react (passively)

PS. buy his book today and receive a free bottle of Haldol.


http://www.hypnosisworld.com/roadrage.html

Muslims kicked off easyJet flight

Four men were escorted off an easyJet flight from Luton Airport on Wednesday following an argument allegedly about where to sit.
According to reports in The Sun, the Asian men dressed in Islamic robes, were arguing in a foreign language and then all went to the toilet one after the other. A fellow traveller on the flight to Glasgow was said to have demanded that they were kicked off as they looked like muslims.

I have never been so ashamed to be Scottish is in all my life... did you get a load of that last line.... because they looked like muslims WTF!... they may well be muslims but incase you didn't know... muslim doesn't equal suicide bomber.

Is it so unusual for people to argue when they board a plane, particulary if they had been propping up the airport bar all afternoon (which would also account for the restroom visits). I have to laugh though at this next line... they were arguing in a foreign language! for christs sakes!

This one article sums up rather nealty almost everything I'm against.

I always find it amusing whenever a petty criminal get's collared and says.. "There are real criminals out there, the police should go after them". It could be a speeding ticket, it could be benefit fraud, they'll always come out with that line when they get nabbed... it's a reflex.

So, this little gem is intended for them.
The traffic police, the fraud investigator, the store detective and the easter bunny all know there are more serious crimes going on. But I'll tell ya, traffic wardens don't go after gunrunners when they finish writing you up and they don't take on organised crime during their lunch breaks neither.

We all know there are far more serious crimes that those you have committed, that's why there are other highly trained men and women working on those cases at the same time you're being fingered for having a busted tail light. Office dibble isn't being taken away from interpol when he's pulling you over Y'know.

It's the same when a drug user has the balls to lecture us that alcohol causes more violence and social disharmony than the particular drug they themselves are on at the time, I've yet to see a drung user who doesn't drink alcohol aswell.
"sure I shoot coke into my big toe, but I draw the line at miller time"

The very idea that we should forget everything apart from the single most serious crime is quite funny if you think about it, maybe it's an attempt at the jedi mind trick... "there are far more serious crimes going on, we don't need to waste our time with habitual criminal"

And then you get the lovable criminal ie. drug dealer who breaks the law but still wants to be your friend who try to justify their low-lifery with this line... see if this rings a bell or two. "if I didn't do it... somebody else would"

so does that mean that drug dealers actually believe there is one less crack slinger in the hood because they sell drugs? what is with that already?

have you ever noticed whenever the media reports a celebrity death they also suggest that a little piece of us should die along with them?

"The nation is in mourning today as news of george burns (is he dead??) bob hope, queen mother yada yada yada.. died peacefully in his sleep... here's a collection of sound bites from exposure seeking mini-celebs we have strung together in order to demonstrate how you (the public) should put your own problems aside for one second and contemplate the tragedy of others for once you selfish sonsofbitchsdhgdjgfhsfd;sl."

I don't know about you lot... So I'm speaking only for myself now. If you happen to share my opinion, then great, we'll get together and have a coffee (you pay) if you don't agree.... well.... you can go back to your gossip mags and daytime tv. So, I don't know about you dear reader but I have many more important things to occupy my time and more causes worthy of my sympathies. Sure, it's sad when somebody dies.... (Take a step back bush & blair I don't include you two in that) but it's far less sad when that person is of a good age, lived a movie star lifestyle and dies from self abuse (get your mind out the gutter will you...not that kind of self abuse you mucky little pup) whilst there are thousands of people dying everyday who don't have the same luxuries of weath, fame etc.

It's just another sympton of that human of condition I like to call 'empty life'

Do me a favour (if I haven't used them all up by now) the next time a 'famous' dies rather than locking yourself away to be sad, try to imagine you're George Bailey from it's a wonderful life and give a homless person some money/food, say hello to a stranger... call your mom, I don't know.. just do something unexpectedly nice for somebody. trust me brothers and sisters, you'll feel just as good as they will plus an angel will get his wings ;-)

HA HA HEE HEE

Hands up whose ever heard someone say "what's for you wont go by you"?... what on earth does that mean? presumably it's some sort of an affirmation to declare 'I believe in fate' or I don't believe in taking responsability for my own life to put it another way.

If my life is crap.. it's fate. someone pissed on my hush puppies.. not someone, FATE, If I cheat on my wife... it's not me doing the cheating.. it's that cheeky little bugger fate again.

do me a favour already!

if you believed that then you would walk across roads without looking, after all, if a cars going to hit you, it's going to hit you right? OH! and you may aswell stop exercising too, cos if you're going to have a heart attact, you'll have one anyway. That is the equalivant of playing russian roulette with every single little aspect of your life. Jeeez-o.. what a risky idealogy to have in life.

But Y'know there's an interesting irony here? this 'what's for you, wont go by you' is generally said by older more conservative people. Who'd have guessed that republicans would promote an adrenaline junkie style of living, but Y'know there is another group who would condone such a hedonistic lifestyle, you might know them as the satanists.

conclusive evidence I think you'll agree ladies and gentlemen that conservatives are indeed devil worshipers

Picture: David Cameron the Leader of the Conservative Party

Look closely at this picture, the sick bastard is actually grinning as he imagines crushing a small child in his hands.

"Carpe Diem, lads! Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary!"

I can takes it no more!

Ever since I've became aware of politics, around 25 years. I've been bombarded with promises of great social change, lower tax, better health service, better education, reduced crime and so forth.. THE BIGGIES!!

Both parties have been fighting continually for these changes.. and now, 30 years later, they're still fighting, they haven't managed it. They have both been in the position to make change, they just haven't.

Well, that's not strictly true, there have been some change. Crime levels have risen, as has tax whilst education and health services have both suffered. So there has been some change.. I wouldn't want to take that away from either party... and before I forget the little cherry on the cake, they have make the UK a terrorist target, and just in time for the birth of my little girl... aww... what a present... cheers Tone' mate, remind me to repay you one day, perhaps I can slash your throat or something??

The problem in the UK is that we don't live in a democratic society, Y'see, in order for democracy to exist there needs to be a real choice... and 2 identical parties does not a democracy make. We've been smothered by nanny thatcher and nanny blair for so long that the biggest challenge we face now is convincing joe and joanne public that there are other types of politics out there. If you mention socialism to anyone they'll probably laugh at you, same with comunism.

WE NEED a REAL LABOUR PARTY
a party to represent the working class people or 90% of the population to put it another way. They would win every election no questions ask and all they would have to do is make the world a better place.

I know I know, It sounds so easy when I put it like that, but how on earth would we go about this? I hear you ask. I wont tease you, you know I've already got the solutionso I wont draw it out any longer, I won't ask if it's your final answer, I wont go to a commercial break... OH right.. sorry.

I call it my 5 steps to world peace

1, pull out of iraq and beg for forgiveness. I'm not niave enough to think that will apease the understandable bloodlust, so we may have to give them tony blairs head on a spike, still after all the innocent people he has murdered, he should volunteer. We would give up the nukes, I think the trillions of £££s spent on weapons we will never use could be better spent.

2, there should be NO FREEBIES! ie, free health service, free cash for having children etc... not if you don't need it, I mean. Set a threashold at around £100,000 for example, if you have more than that saved, you use it to pay for things you need... in return you'll get to live in the new and improved UK.

3, I've even thought about about replacing all existing tax with just 1, it's called a pay for what you use tax (or aomething like that.. I'm making this up as I go and I haven't gotten round to the sound bites yet) naturally, those who can afford to pay more tax will.

4, I'm in two minds over this one, because it goes against my instincts, but it's a crowd pleaser and I'm sure it will solve a problem. Prisons become tough, you crims will be locked up for 23,5 hours a day and stiff sentences. 1st offence = 10 years, 2nd = 20 years... my theory is that the perfect world I will have created (barryworld.. bazland.. hmmm, they sound like theme parks) there should be no reason to commit the types of crime that are perpetrated to fund living in the UK (BarryK)

5, free education for all... anyone who wants education should get it, no questions ask.. except for the exam questions at the end of the course.

it might work, I'd like to give it a try, and even if it doesn't work, we can always go back to what we have now... isn't it worth a try, just incase we crack the key to happiness?

I hope this will inspire someone out there to do something, I hope there are people screaming "it'll never work!!" at their monitors because at least it's bringing to light a choice. I just hope there are more people quietly nodding and thinking to themselves.. amen brother, I'm with you.

Just one more thing, if you do put TB's head on a spike, don't tell the judge I told you to do it, COS I didn't. If you do that, you would be murdering SCUM (as bad as TB) and spend your life in my prison.

What now? just check my diary...let's see. Monday 23rd October 2006 write down blue print to solve world problems then have lasagne. SWEET, it's lasagne time for me... mmmmmmmmm.

Whenever you watch the news or pick up a newspaper in the uk you are sure to read about the next biggest threat to our way of life... not bird flu or a meteor heading toward Earth.. I'm talking ofcourse about Asylum seekers and migrant workers. They use phrases such as "millions of foreign workers are poised to pour into the country if poland is allowed join the EU"

Don't look at me like that dear reader, I know you're thinking that migrant workers help boost local economies and through integration they bring about understanding of different cultures which in turn helps erradicate racism.

But I talk to a lot of people on a daily basis and whenever they tell me that they were born here and they shouldn't have to live in the same country as 'these bloody foreigners' I gotta tell you, I tend to agree with them, they shouldn't have to live among them. And as you know I'm a generous bastard I have devised a solution to their problem. This solution is so brilliant infact I give it my personal guarantee to work for every single person who takes my advice... Y'ready?.. okay, here it is.

if you don't want to live in the Uk with foreign nationals... then... why don't you FU*K OFF out the country and then you wont have to.

Y'see what I didn't mention earlier was, when I talk to these zenophobic biggots I ask them why they are against the idea of meeting other people who just happened to be born in another part of the same planet they're from and the reply usualy goes something like this. "they come over here, don't learn the lingo, they take out jobs, they rape "our women" and live of the state and spend their days plotting on ways to steal our belongings".

okay first.. we have already established they speak more languages than we do. they do not take 'our jobs' they take vacant jobs that people in this country are too lazy to do, they don't rape anyone and you're probably gay they support themselves and... eh!! what belongings??

The truth is folks, most foreign people who come to the uk and those who don't for that matter speak more than one language, where as the majority of those with similar opinions as those expressed above hardly speak a single language. I'm not suggesting for one second that some of those who enter the uk aren't monoglotic criminals, I'm sure there will be, all I'm saying is (and don't think that I'm not aware I've been over using the old 'all I'm saying is' phrase and I have already added it to my self edit list). rather than protesting against the slight possibility that criminals will wash up on our shores, why not protest against those criminals that born and bread here in good ol' GB? all the home grown state spongers?

what's with people who hear rumour of foreign do-badders and decide then to HATE all people non brittish, yet at the same time they know first hand that there are many lazy, illeterate, racist freeloaders living right next door and yet they do nothing?


I sigh sometimes ;-(

Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW

"...Of course there are kids bringing guns to school who want to establish a "tough guy-gangsta" image more than they want to shoot someone. Yes, kids report that this is the only way they feel they can gain respect..."

what's with all these kids already? they listen to eminem and suddenly adopt a bizzare method of speaking. Case in point.. I seen an Aaron Carter on MTV cribs the other night... he lives in a sprawling estate in miami, yet he talks like he's 'straigh outa compton.' He quite litteraly went from Alex P Keaton to 50 pence piece overnight.

Luckily in the UK guns aren't the social problem that they are in the states... not yet. So this shout goes out to all my pimps and biyatches accross the USofA. If you really want to gain some respect through killing somebody... KILL YOURSELF. afterall everybody respects the dead.

dana na na nah
I'm not lovin it.. not one little bit

I popped into Mc D's the other day just in time to see some mother chastise her son for mis-behaving (running around and screaming.. Y'know the type of thing... it happens a lot in McDougals)

I have no idea why you're behaving like this... now come back here, sit down and eat your chemicals... quoth the mother. below

Virgin Records
Glasgow Feb 26 2005

SALE!
August & everything After £15.99

SALE?

When were CD's ever £15.99 in the first place?

So I download it for free and burn it to a cd costing 10 pence.

I figure if the music industry can sleep at night... then so can I.

ATTENTION ALL NERDS

I am looking for a copy of Eightball # 3

to complete my collection.

I said to my wife I would simply ask the kind people of internet land to come together and help me out, either by sending me one (which would be ace) or just as good by informing me where I can purchase a copy. I have checked every comic store in Glasgow, London, New York and Taipei... and she said I was talking jobbies, she said that NOBODY would do a favour for a perfect stranger unless you massage their anomalies (in your case that would be your extreme NERDISM... no offense)

Between you and I dear friend, I would nerver 'nerd it up' in order to get a comic book... never... no way... not me... I will simply put my plea to you in my own words.. without a hint of nerd

Fellow Nerds: Years ago, I started collecting 'Eightball' in the Clone Wars; now I beg you to help me in my struggle against the publishers. I regret that I am unable to present my collection request to you in person; but my web-cam has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to a full collection has failed. I've placed information vital to the completion of the eightball series into the memory systems of this blog unit. you know how to retrieve it. You must see this blog safely delivered to people on the internet. This is my most desperate hour. Help me, nerdlings; you're my only hope.

MEN ON THE MOON!!!

next you'll be telling me there are portable communication devices so small it can fit in your pocket.

I'm pretty open minded and believe in many things True Love, Angels and Eskimos but there is nothing to convince me that man actually walked on the moon. There are plenty of reasons not to believe it, which can be found all over the net.

http://www.apfn.org/apfn/moon.htm

I'm not going to get into the technical points such as the two different light sources, the angle of the camera lens and varying depths of field... I may be a nerd, but I'm not a f*****g nerd (or Otaku for any Japanese readers)

The one fact the really kills me, which I can't reason my way around is this. And keep in mind that all the moon landing happened before we have the technology to actually see it happening 'real time' NO MOON LANDINGS SINCE!... so anyway back to my point.

We all know how delicate the conditions need to be before a shuttle/rocket launch and even strong winds can cause months of delay... SHIT.. my mind has betrayed me yet again friends, and has already made the jump to light-speed I can't concentrate on getting this out in an inteligable way... **switch to question mode**

1, Giving the difference in gravity... how could they be sure of the calculation of reverse thrust etc for actually landing the damn thing?

2, Ditto for take off. And where was all the rocket fuel needed for takeoff?

3, Why have we NEVER gone back?.. OH and before you say, well there's nothing there, so why bother going back? remember these words DON'T BE SO FUC*ING STUPID, man spends years and billions of pounds getting to the moon, man actually achieves this monumental goal, man walks around for 20 minutes and decides it was all a waste of time, let's never go back.

some people really do believe everything they are told...

now excuse me... I'm off to Jupiter for lunch with adolf hitler and Genghis Khan

HI, I'm sherriff John Bunnell.

If I lived next door to this man, I would get him to record my cell phone answer message... I can imagine it now.

Hi, I'm Barry's answer machine.
he's not here right now,
He's tearing up suburbian streets in a stolen SUV, turning them into his own private parking lot.
Don't worry, for the brave men and women of law enforcement wont rest until he's aprehended, then you will be able to talk that call missing, car stealing road running lunatic.... behind 2 inch steel bars, at the county lock-up.


I don't think there could be a better answer message than that?

You only live once
so you may as well do what you want...


how often have you heard someone say that?
Even if you don't believe in reincarnation, is that really a reason to 'do what you want'? which, incase you didn't realise.. is code for 'act slutty'

It's statements like these that get me my old grey matter working, The first time I heard that expression, I remember thinking to myself... shucks!! if we only live once... we better make sure we get things done right the first time around, no second chances and all. Still, I couldn't help but wonder, had I just been programmed by the government to obey and had I lost any sense of rebellion I once had... doubt it!! but after all, we humans are just animals and it may not be in the interests of evolution to surpress our animalistic tendencies, but then again, that's irrelevant as there is no pre-destined model it's whatever action we take now that will shape our species evolution and where does it say evolution can't be influenced by social forces as well as environmental. A heightened social concience may well be the next evolutioniary step... having said that ofcourse... fingers shaped like clothes pegs could also be next... nobody knows?

that all sounds a little bit manic, then again, they propbably said that about nostradamus and Ike, only time will tell.

maybe in 300, 000 years time, people will read this blog (because they sure ain't reading it now) and they might think... hmm what's with that then?

Hurry along now, take your seats and NO TALKING in class.

Welcome to simple logic lesson 1

What's with all these "courteous drivers" all of a sudden?

Have you ever been stuck behind one of these morons? Well I am on a daily basis and I'm here to tell ya. They would far better drivers if they were a little more selfish (a la moi)

I'm driving to work each day. I leave the house in a positive mood, I have jimmy barnes playing on my i-pod, everything is fine... right?

Wrong, I, along with all the other road users will inevitably get stuck behind 'the courteous driver'. One minute you're driving along fine and then without any warning what-so-ever the car infront slows down to a stop to let the old boy turning right go before him (and the rest of us)... okay.. I'll let that go.

But 200m down the road, he'll stop again to let someone coming the other way make a right turn, then a further 300m later he'll stop to let a family of ducks cross the road...

Here's the deal folks.. If you really want to be a courteous driver, there is no logic in making way for 1 car if you're going to delay the 20 cars behind you... so next time you plan on holding a ramdom stopathon, do humanity a favour and check your mirrors (it's kinda what they effing are for Y'see).

what is with the governments anti-dvd piracy propoganda already?

here are a few FACTs that the Federation Against Copyright Theft fail to mention.

1, FACT will lead you to believe they are filmed in cinemas and the quality is terrible

in reality, many dvds are direct copies from originals either bought or preview copies distributed to production companies, distributers etc. Also with new and expensive digital cameras recordings within the cimena are excellent quality (better than VHS) also they are filmed by cinema employees when the theatre is empty so you do not get the silouettes of big headed patrons along the bottom of the screen.

2, FACT tell us that you do not get a refund from these del-boy traders

in reality, they will be more than happy to exchange any damaged or faulty disc. Discs cost pennies and I have yet to see any street trader argue about accepting returns.

3, FACT claim that the proceeds of pirate dvd sales goes to fund organised crime and international terrorism

in reality, this is bullshit. C'mon... why is it whenever they get desperate they play the organised crime card, and more recently they've replaced that with terrorism. They may as well tell us that if we buy a copy of superman returns that gangs of paedophiles will take over the planet. The majority of dvd merchants are ordinary working class folks with a dvd writer and a broadband connection trying to make a quick buck for his family.

Hands up who's seen the video piracy is a crime advert in cinemas? Y'know the one... "you wouldn't steal a car.. you wouldn't steal a wallet... you wouldn't steal from a friend... you wouldn't steal from a poor little old lady... downloading movies is a crime"

pretty emotive stuff I'm sure you'll agree... but hold on a second... put your tissues away for a minute.

2004 WORLDWIDE GROSS PROFITS FOR SIX STUDIOS

(Billions of dollars)

SEGMENT Gross Revenue (MPA) Cost of Sales & Residuals Margins Gross Profits
Theatrical $7.4 $9.62 ($2.22)

(DVD & VHS) $20.9 $6.95 $13.95

Television $17.7 $1.77 $15.93

so, there we have it. In 2004 the 6 major hollywood studios made just under 30 billion dollars profit. How much did you make that year dear reader?

remember these figures the next time you see the "you wouldn't steal from a poor innocent old lady would you?" and Y'know something else... if I were somehow able to receive a sequence of intangible binary digits from a faceless and ruthless 'old lady' I think I probably would....... now that they put it that way.

it would appear to me.. an impartial and objective bystander that charging johnny consumer £20 ($40) for a dvd which cost 2p to make is the real theft. Who remembers when dvd's came out and they all told us that they were more expensive than VHS because of "production costs".. but hold it... we all know that VHS costs far more to produce than DVD so why the disproportionate retail prices still?

WWTA?

why is it that the ones who know the least
always seem to know it the loudest?

I'm not doing something I'm supposed to do, I'm doing something I'm not supposed to I don't know about that I don't know about that I don't know nothing bout nothing like that. Destroyed my people are destroyed. My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge I wonder if I'm happy wonder if I'm mad I wonder why the whole wide world's so wonderfully sad I don't know 'bout that but I can tell you this That when I drink a lot of beer y'know I gotta piss...off People should be pissed off People should be pissed off for lack of knowledge. Read read read read read read read everything can read and learn learn learn learn learn learn learn Everything can learn Cause there's no tomorrow like today and There's no today like tomorrow and they will stick And they will stick you... in the end.

RELIGION SCHMRILIGION

As we already know, 100% of wars fought, do so in the name of religion (not including wars that involve 'the wild west' because we also know they are all financially motivated) I'm talking about wars based om beliefs and not greed.

I live in west central Scotland, just a hop, skip and a jump away from the land of Leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacced drives ? in this country, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish. So it goes without saying there is a high proportion of catholic impersonators around these here parts.

I know dozens of people who call themselves catholics, but I've yet to meet anybody who actually follows catholocism, or who even follows their own miss-guided interpretation of catholocism. So I thought, wouldn't it be great if the middle-east could follow religion with the apathy we westernes seem to?

People aren't what they say they are, what they say they are is merely what they would like to be. They want the status without the hard work... just look at your politicians... they all promise less crime, less tax, better health service et al... 50 years of that shit and we're still a million miles away from it... we can afford it as a country... it's just political parties can't afford it. If we did manage to create the utopian society we all crave, there would be nothing to campaign against, it's got clockwork orange written all over it... a real horror show my little droogies.. YES!

In reality, people just want to be needed, or just need to be wanted... however you like to put it, call it saftey in numbers, call is heard mentality... so, with these facts in mind... people from various religions, beliefs, backgrounds are all essentially the same, aren't we?

I can understand that geography has made the middle east a volitile region with earthquakes, volcanos etc and that thousands of years ago people didn't know about earth plate movements and I suppose without the benefit of all the accumulated knowledge we have at our disposal today I can imagine (at a stretch) how these geographical phenomon could be mistaken for an ANGRY GOD and result in more committed followers... that's fine.... I would just like to see that same committment when following the 'love everybody' part.

love letter to anonymous

My Dearest Darling Anonymous comment leaver. Has it really been two days since you left your message of praise for me to find in your absense, has it really only been two days?

NO, it's been 6 hours, and if you leave any more and attach links to your sponsor sites, I'll delete them all.

Kapeesh?

Love as always

Your beloved blog master

Charles Darwin said:

"I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term Natural Selection."

I was thinking about this theory the other day as I watched COPS (of all things) and I realised that these COPS, these enforcers of the law, who by virtue of their uniform or their GUNS are regarded as higher beings, either morally or in relation to their 'clients' by intelligence and strength (in numbers) after all the police force is the largest gang in the world... and anybody who wants power that badly should not be allowed it... but that's a whole other blog.

as a side note... have you ever noticed that the cops always shout to the suspect "get on the ground, GET ON THE GROUND" as though they are levitating just above ground level, like a cute little humming bird.. that err... just stabbed somebody... and once this gravity defying suspect is in custody (and this bit really annoys me) they exchange sentences littered with double negatives.

cop: you don't got no weapons or no drugs on you do you?
humming bird: no man! I don't got nothing on me!

So back to my point... Darwins notion of survival of the fittest is as bullshit today as it was 100 years ago.... therefore I have taken the liberty of evolving his idea and re-wording it as follows (as you will remember I am a generous fool). "survival of the smartest". Y'see, the human race has evolved more in the last 100 years than in the 100,000 years before it. reality tv placates us, computers make us lazy, and junk food weakens us... to be the strongest nowadays is no mean feat, and I may be playing into a stereotype here (but so what it's my blog and I'll twist the truth so suit my nonsense if I want to) but if you have ever watched the documentary series of films that tackle the issue of revenge of the nerds, you will know that the nerds always triumphs and becomes the jocks boss down at the tire factory.

Trust me, I know this for a fact....I'm fortunate enough to have the brain of a nerd and the body of a jock (Y'smell that?)

Violet is todays colour of tangent

READ THIS IF YOU WORK IN A COFFEE SHOP

I'm not one to tell others how to do their jobs... but if you work in a coffee shop, I'd like to take this oppertunity to tell you how to do your job. to put it simply, I'd like to remind Y'all that there is a difference between a latte and a cappuccino.

So while you ponder the error of your ways.. remember this also... do not automatically overload my cap with chocolate powder. I've lost count of the number of times I've watched my cappuccino turn to a lattee and then a hot chocolate in the space of 20 seconds. Here's a tip.. offer chocolate by all means, but also offer cinnimon or hazelnut etc... after all, people are paying top-dollar and it wouldn't kill you to sprinkle a little service on top.

Oh, and while I'm at it, if I return my choco-latte and ask you to make the cappuccino I requested, don't moan about it... it's not my fault.

this one below just looks like some kind of a dirty protest. who on earth would order this?

hmmm Whaddya know, I am one to tell others how to do their jobs after all... what's with that?

DO DRUGS DO DRUGS DO DRUGS

who can tell me what school drug education consists of these days?... when I was a schoolie I knew nothing about drugs (apart from what I learned on the A-Team) it went something like this... YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS TOLD YOU NO TO DO DRUGS.. and we pretty much didn't. It was a simple as that.

I didn't know ANYbody who was on drugs back then. NOW with all the information and education we have available today, we seem to have much more drug users in our society. So I'm asking you... does ignorance breed blissful communities?

Without going into all the supposed factors contributing to junkie-ness, such as poverty, unemployment, family background, lack of education, more drugs available and all the others we are told are the cause, not to mention all the wasted tax dollars spent trying to clean matters up. They all highlight what we know already ... Politicians are completely out of touch with the pockets of society they are merrily pledging our cash to.

Rather than having the same old commercial of the stereotypical friendless drug user (played by that actor who used to be in that program) with no money.. because lets' face it, HOLLYWOOD will hump any government sponsored anti-drug campaign every time.

"HEY HEY HEY" I hear you say "why so pessimistic?, that's not like you"

Don't worry my children... I wouldn't spread all this doom and gloom without having a solution on hand, Y'know that. Where as your government will find new and inventive ways of wasting your money all in the name of ridding your streets of crack, smack, H, speed, PCP, acid, ecstasy and goof-balls, making no difference whatsoever... I have a solution that will be infinately more effective yet costing you (the tax payer and devoted reader of my blog) nothing.

Rather than sending government funded drug advisors to receite the government of the days schpeel to school kids on the perils of drug abuse... I suggest we send this burd (see below) around every school in the country and force all the children to listen to her tale... AND.. this is the clincher.. we could line the kids up.. blindfolded (that's not cruel.. so don't start) and we force them to run their smooth little fingers along her arms... (ok so that part is a little bit cruel... but I think you'll agree the ends justify the means in this case)

WITHOUT FURTHER A-DO

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
BE SEATED

AND BEHOLD

FOR I BRING TO YOU

JUNKIE

HERE ENDITH THE BLOG

TONY BLAIR GUILTY OF GROOMING CHILDREN

Y'know, having a child has made me examine society from a whole new perspective. How often do we hear the news that 26 people die in a suicide bomb attack, but even more tragic that that, one of them was a... wait for it.... a 'kid'.

The media tell us to feel positive when youth offenders are 'treated' to rehabilitation holidays on johnny taxpayers dime because they are becoming productive members of society, but if that rehabilitation dollar is spent on a non-child we should be.. for want of a better word.. gutted.

YOUR GOVERNMENT promise to invest more of your money on treating juvinile drug users, because they have 'an illness' and need your support.. but don't you dare contract this illness if you are over 18, unless you want the support of your new cell mate BIG STAB!

If I had to say what I think is going on here, and before you say "you're just cynical", let me say "I'm not" but if I had to say what I think is going on here, I would say that the governemt have cultivated a society where children listen less and less to their parents.. meanwhile they are waiting in the wings with the preverbial bag of candy ready to keep them kiddies sweet until such time they start voting for this generous uncle-like figure, at which point they will be cut loose like their parents before them.

All people in the world (for the sake of this blog I'll use UK) all people in the UK should be treated equally. You either invest in people of all ages or you don't bother. Why should we welcome investment in 20% of the population without asking what about the other 80%?

Call me crazy.. no infact don't call me that.. I don't like it... but I for one will not be allowing any government to raise my daughter in their image. This government... a government so corrupt both morally and professionally, YET still so drunk on their power they actually believe themselves to be suitable role models for 'our children'... well "they're not"

role model?

.

I would think not

deputy prime minister of UK John Prescott (had lots of affairs)

no really.. he did

honestly.. him

I'm serious

no joke

him

Due to popular demand I am reluctantly putting some of my scribbles on this here blog-o-mine. This is a typical example of the emails I've been receiving requesting, infact begging me to put some drawings on here.

"dear handsome and talented blog master, you mention in your profile that you are a pretty good artist, please would you be so kind as to let us bask in your talent and modesty" *

* no such email requests have been received to date.

P.S. has anybody picked up on the few lines from movies I have used throughout this blog I wonder.

either I've got too much time on my hands or I'm a blog-aholic...


it must be the latter...


I drink about 3 bottle of 'blog' per day

YOU RACIST!!!

Boy oh Boy, nothing brings out the racism in the media like international sports events, particularly those who's aim is to STAMP OUT RACISM in sports... kinda makes you wonder if all higher powers are institutionally racist... at least, that's what I took from recent BBC's coverage of the world cup and Wimbledon.

All neighbouring towns, cities, countries and solar systems have rivalries, it's probably in our DNA to compete in order to push ourselves to achieve, thereby advancing the entire human race to a higher level.

ANYway, Jack McConnell, Scotlands first minister... Publicly stated he was supporting Trinidad & Tobago in the 2006 world cup finals, partly due to the rivalry thing we have already discussed, partly due to them being the underdogs and because they have Jason SCOTLAND playing for them and as Scotland the country did not qualify, we can in a sense still support Scotland.

This is the response he received from the TIMES newspaper no less.

"World Cup snub by Scots leader 'fuels anti-English racism

'By David Lister, Scotland Correspondent

AN ENGLAND football fan living in Scotland blamed the countryÂ’s First Minister yesterday for stoking anti-English racism after his windows were smashed because he was displaying the St GeorgeÂ’s flag.

Amid rising fears that Scotland may be boycotted by tourists from south of the Border over Jack McConnell's refusal to support England in the World Cup, Allan Robinson, 44, accused the First Minister of putting English people living in Scotland at risk..."

Leaving aside for one second that question 'would you rather have a political leader who speaks honestly or one who speaks only what you want to here, and who secretly believes the opposite?' and leaving aside that fact that we live in a democracy and we are free to support whichever side we like, and let's also leave David Lister aside (if that is her real name ((see red dwarf))) for the time being and let's move seamlessly onto the beeb.

Once England were knocked out of the world cup for playing like a bunch of one legged geriatrics, I personally heard a bbc news reader's candid reaction to this as "well as long as the Germans don't win".

Let's get it straight shall we... Jack McConnell said he was supporting Trinidad and Tobago, that is not Anti-English... only the British media would describe a man supporting a foreign team as a racist.. does that seem a little contrary to anyone else but me?

Forget the invisible lines that have been drawn on a map, forget the bodies of water that separates the patches of dirt we live on, forget the colour of peoples skin and the languages they speak... there is only one human race and it was a team of human beings he was supporting the last time I checked.

So please STOP making up news stories and report what is real... what's with you already?

As Y'all know... sorry, scratch that ALL, there's only a couple of people who actually read this rubbish and I believe I've managed to offend one of them, in my defense though, he is a vegetarian and we all know they're not the hardest bunch to offend, and it was completely unintentional, I have never tried to wind anybody up on purpose.

As you know (my one true remaining friend) I have a lovely little baby and as all parents do, I tend to worry about every aspect of her life and I'll do whatever it takes to help her lead a full and happy life. My wife and I have opened a savings acocunt for her education, we've planned music lessons (she's going to be a musician Y'see), ballet class (she's going to be a dancer Y'know), golf lessons (she'll be a golf pro too)... ANYway, my point is this.

This young chap is Sydney Devine and I grew up listening to his music, and looking back I think it has influenced my life. When I was a teenager and all my freiends were listening to Debbie Gibson* I was listening to Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham & the Jayhawks... my frinds are all either dead, in jail or drug addicts**

There's a point in there somewhere but I've either forgotten it or... lousy short term concentrati... HEY did I ever tell you about the time I drove to Dundee in my bare feet?

.

.

.

* I have all Debbie Gibsons CD's

**none of them are deceased, jailed or addicted to drugs

Disclaimer

Well folks, you were right, it was inevitable, Y'all warned me when I started this blog, you said it would happen, but I didn't listen, like the optimistic son of a gun that I am. But you were right all along, next time I'll listen to you, boy oh boy I'll listen to you next time. The pseudo sensitive have taken offense to what I, me, a perfect stranger types on a screen and decided to voice their disagreement in the only way they know how... by instigating petty arguements, which is fine and dandy, but get this, they're even using my blog to do it... the swines!!

If you don't like what you read here, that's okay. Go somewhere else. I'm not in the market to argue or debate with every disagree-er that surfs my way.

I am personally uber-bored with people who define themselves by what they are against, How about for a change, they do something productive and be for something, anything, just something.

"Hi what do you do?"

"well I'm against hunting and people drinking alcohol, and eating meat, and this and that... and well basically I'm against anything that the banning of wouldn't affect me in the slightest.... how about you?"

"me? dear reader, well since you ask, I'm only against.... you"

Y'see folks, I might rant away on here for 10 minutes at a time, call it my therapy if you will, but p-p-p-p-please don't get the impression I'm only like this, because that would be 99% wrong. There are millions of other sites on this here internet far more deserving of your precious time, so please don't let me keep you from them.

I wonder if I've made myself clear enough?... ho hum.. time will tell.

memo to all vegetarians: chicken & fish are not vegetables

who's ever seen the film FACE OFF with Nicholas Cage?... or perhaps you've just seen it with your friends. No matter who you saw it with... it got me to wondering if two people could realy switch identities like that?

I know it's just a film so there is absolutely no possibly way anything like that could EVER happen..ever .... is there?

Meet Tony the prime minister of the United Kingdom

He's ordered the death of innocent people allegedly, he's not a bad man... he's only doing his job* allegedly

Now meet BONO the rock star

He has raised millions for the poor and starving of the world. Has lobbied tirelessly to cancel 100bn (that's one hundred billion folks) in third world debt and not only that, he's also given us rattle & hum.

*I do not mean to imply that BONO randomly kills innocent people, or any people for that matter, nor do I mean to imply that Tony Blair has ever performed life changing acts of compassion, or any acts of compassion for that matter. I don't even know what the point of this entry is... it's just weird is all. That we look to our rock stars and not our elected leaders in order to make real political change.

IS KEIRA KNIGHTLY TOO THIN?

NO SHE ISN'T!!

I'm fed up (pardon the pun) of hearing the media asking whether or not celebs are too this or too that. STOP MAKING UP NEWS and start reporting what is actually NEW in the world. Keira may be thin, that doesn't mean she is anorexic.

Here's the REAL news folks... some people are thin! they are not anorexic, they're just thin. They're not dying, they're just thin. They're not protestors on hunger strike (well some of them are) but usually they're just thin.

We are allowing the media to perpetuate what is one of the few remaining socially accepted prejudices by buying their rags. Look out your windows folks and open your eyes, there are thin people everywhere.

One minute we're all obese and destined for the coronary wards, then as soon as we start doing something about it we're criticized again. WHAT'S WITH THAT ALREADY?

Speaking of the the Tree Hugging Sandal wearing brigade...

I went to the coffee shop the other day for a Tuna Swiss and the moron behind the counter, sorry I mean the barista!!! reminded me that they only use dolphin friendly tuna. "I don't care" says I, as I already know all about the dolphin/tuna debate and yet I decide to have the sandwich.
"well a lot of people only eat dolphin friendly because it forces fishermen to change their nets in order to not trap the poor cute little dolphins.. blah blah blah... cos it's cruel"

Here's the deal folks... you either eat animals or you do not eat animals, that is if animal cruelty is your issue. The tuna fish may not be as aesthetically pleasing as the dolphin or the koala or the panda bear. So does that mean it's less cruel to kill and eat it?

All animals kill other living species, what makes you think the human is any different? because we wear hats, drive cars and waste our time writing blogs? or is it because we kill our own kind for reasons other than survival?

This blog was brought to you by all the tasty dolphins in the sea.


P.S. is it red or white wine with baby seal?

It's Wednesday 14th June 2006, I'm sitting here at work looking out the window the sun is shining, the locals are amusing themselves and I'm blogging it out here, pondering the age old question 'should life mean life'?

I should be able to let it go at that, BUT NO!!!
Each and every time some silly paeodaphile rapes a kid or some jive-ass junkie stabs somebody you will hear the masses demand that life imprisonment should mean that the offender remain behind bars for ever and ever and ever...I have only two words to say about that... YOU'RE and WRONG

...but I'm a generous fool sometimes, so I'll go along with it for the sake of extending this blog-cast (is that even the correct terminology?).
Imagine that I decided that working for a living was for squares and it was a life of crime for me from here on in. I then decide to rob a bank/post office/corner shop/whatever, presumably I would prefer not to be picked up by the rozzers (insert your own joke.. Y'see told you I was a generous ol' so and so) so I bring along a weapon, the very same weapon I would need in the first place in order for the clerk to part with the cash they had unwittingly been holding for me.
The clever ones among you will already see where this is going.... don't take it personally if you don't... I still love you.
SO.. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get the money and escape with it, even if I hadn't planned on killing someone as most robbers don't plan on becoming murderes... it kinda goes with the territory.

I wouldn't want johnny law locking me up for the rest of my natural so the probability of some trooper being killed would drastically increase (just ask our American cousins if you doubt it) who all carry guns and have high gun crime, as opposed to the UK where we are not allowed to carry guns and by some wonderful coincidence we have almost zero gun crime.

As I'm still running with the herd here, I'll go you on further... I'm now behind bars... do you honestly believe I'm going to think twice about killing every prisoner or guard that comes anywhere near me? I've already killed once and there's nothing to lose by doing it again... hell, I'm probably getting a liking for it.

BUT BUT BUT I hear you say.. life in prison would only be for murder, perhaps for rape... again, if a raper were to commit his or her act and they knew life in prison would be their destiny, they would kill the victim to prevent them from identifying them.

So dear reader if you care to chip in your 2 cents.. feel free.

I can't Believe I got through this entry without writing WHAT'S WITH THAT ALREADY?... ooops spoke too soon ;-)

What's with our journalists already?

Have Y'all ever noticed how, when something major happens like 9/11 for example and you tune your telly box to the news channel in order to get the inside scoop and find out exactly what's going on, usually they will have some experts share their knowledge in order to shed light on the possible reasons behind the story so we can then sleep easy and begin to understand humanity and eventually evolve... fine

So riddle me this reader... why is it that more and more the experts are being replaced with pop stars, tv actors and footballers?

TONIGHT'S HEADLINES
WAR BREAKS OUT ALL OVER THE WORLD.
BBC12 have an exclusive interview with Maureen from that telly show Driving School (remember her? the foul mouthed, reckless driver from Wales)

Reporter: Now tell us 'Mo' what do you make of all this war?
Mo: Well I don't think they should be allowed to do it.. it's bad... but as long as it doesn't stop me driving in my car.. blah blah blah













Maureen well & truely milking her 15 minutes

There you have it, you heard it here first.. some moron thinks along the same lines as a 5 year old.

NEXT UP TONIGHT
30,000 DIE IN AFRICAS WORST FAMINE FOR 100 YEARS
We sent ex-boy bander Brad somebodyorother to find out exactly what's going on.

Reporter: well Brad, you better tell us what's happenin'
Brad: Well I don't think they should be allowed to do it.. it's bad... oh!! buy my new cd by the way "baby I love you" out Monday... blah blah blah

You get my drift right... STOP DUMBING EVERYTHING DOWN ALREADY

Troops cleared over Iraq drowning

Three soldiers have been found not guilty of the manslaughter of an Iraqi boy, at a Colchester court martial.
The trio had all denied the manslaughter of 15-year-old Ahmed Jabber Kareem, a non-swimmer who drowned in a Basra canal in May 2003.


Finally the courts get something right...
Woah woah woah, now don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning the drowning of Iraqi teenagers or any other act of violence come to that. And I do believe that those who are ultimately responsible for acts of violence must be held accountable.. but... ladies and gentlemen of the jury I ask you, who are the guilty?

Sure.. we BOO the soldiers for treating their enemies like... well like enemies. We don't want to hear stories about prisoners being beaten, tortured or being photographed in little more than their Kalvins...

But hold on... your elected representatives have spent millions of your pounds turning your innocent wide eyed children into ruthless efficient KILLBOTS. They then have the audacity to condemn them for following their orders... WHAT'S WITH THAT ALREADY?.... perhaps they should have ordered them to love instead.

Here's the scoop ladies and gentlemen... how can we expect private 11054789001 to behave like a humanitarian and not the hired killer our government has made him. How can we expect our killers to behave "professionally" when we give them guns, drop them off at the nearest war-zone, point them in a certain direction, pat them on the head and say GO KILL JOHNNY.

These murdering politicians then have the hypocrisy to condemn the few for violating the enemies human rights... let me ask you a little question here, cos I'm worried I'm loosing some of you. What would you prefer.

Option 1: being beaten up and having some naked photos taken of you and passed around the barracks.
or
Option 2: being shot in the face with armor piercing rounds.

One of these options will violate your human rights the other will not. Now we all know which option BUSH & BLAIR prefer and if I could ask them just one question, it would be this... IS IT AT ALL F*%$#@G POSSIBLE TO KILL SOMEBODY WITHOUT VIOLATING THEIR HUMAN RIGHTS?

PRAYER TO ST. PETER

Let them in Peter
For they are very tried
Give them couches where the angles sleep
And light those fires
Let them wake whole again
To brand new dawns
Fired by the sun
Not war-time bloody guns
May their peace be deep
Remember where the broken bodies lie
God knows how young they were
To have to die
Give them things they like
Let them make some noise
Give dance hall bands not golden harps
To these our boys
Let them love Peter
For they've have no time
The should have bird songs and trees
And hills to climb
The taste of Summer
in a ripened Pear
And girls sweet as meadow wind
with flowing hair
And tell them how they are missed
But say not to fear
It's gonna be all right With us down here

Hi
My name is Barry... And I'm a big brother watcher.
Needless to say the producers have outdone themselves again this year in rounding up the most outrageous collection of ADHD "sufferers". Along with the obligatory transexuals and opinionated morons that are the staple of any 'reality show' this year they have introduced a tourette's sufferer called Pete (who is actually the only one in there I could be friends with)

Why am I boring you with tales of tourette's and baffling you with official sounding terms like ADHD you might be wondering. Well dear reader.. I'll tell you. Say Hi to Lisa here, she is the 'strong female character' of the show. In reality she is a chain smoking gutter mouth and let's not forget deeply annoying individule. Anybody would be forgiven for thinking she had tourette's... she doesn't... she just has no idea how to communicate with actual people.

NOW don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality.. you know that, but I'm also for the evolution of the human race. Why do women think being equal to men means behaving like the worst example of a man? If Emeline Pankhurst could have seen what would result from her sacrifices, she would have kept her mouth shut! or at the least she would have said..... WHAT'S WITH THAT ALREADY???

Above: Emeline laments the irony that 'feminists' are now the least feminine looking group on the planet... WWTA

I shouldn't really have to say anything about this one... However. What is with this guy already? His name is Paul Shaffer (I don't care about the spelling) and I just came across him recently (figuratively speaking) whilst channel surfing. He's on the David Letterman show and provides all the musical segue's.

I don't think I've ever witnessed a more disturbing sight than when this guy revs up for action. I am forced to turn the channel as soon as it's hideous form invades my screen. This particular picture really captures the essence of my phobia. First of all, it shows the shaffer in it's natural habitat. The more observant amongst you will have already spotted the "slap me" expression on the front of it's head aswell as the uncontrolled flailing arm as it executes a simple chord.

I must end this post abruptly as I suddenly feel quite sick...

This is a picture of me and my lovely wife Catherine (aka Hsiu Lien) taken at a wedding ceremony last year in Taiwan. To be honest with you dear reader, I never thought I would ever be lucky enough to meet and fall for such a beauty.

It amazes me to think that two people were growing up 11,000 miles apart would eventually meet and fall in love and have such a beautiful child... kind make you think that ANYthing is possible in this crazy mixed-up world.

I know every parent says what I am about to say.... but I'll say it anyway. I look at my baby and I know she will do great things with her life. I imagine she could bring the end to all wars, solve the homeless situation as well as being a professional golfer.

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not one of these parents who pushes their kids to succeed in all the areas I failed so miserably at.... no way... not me.... never.

On a completely unrealted matter, does anyone know where I can buy some 6" golf clubs?

Isn't Britain just great? dontcha just love the NHS?............ NO? then read on.

2 months after having our precious angel (below) we receive an urgent tele-gram asking us to meet them over at NHS H.Q. to discuss amongst other things "family planning".

This was a no-brainer for us, as we planned only to have 1 child and HEY PRESTO... only 1 child we have. Upon arrival we were met by some rather curious looking fellas on white coats, the kind of people you wouldn't like to meet after visiting your grandma if Y''know what I mean...

enough of this crappy detective prose...

apparently there was a 'mix up' in bookings and they were unable to have our family planning meet after all (boo hoo) instead we were handed a leaflet a prescription for the female contraceptive pill and a pack of three just for little ol' me. With an added "this is all the information you'll need" thrown in for good measure.

NOW... since when is doubling up on contraception considered to be planning a family?? there was no are you planning on having more kids? no mention of the side effects of my dear wife taking the pill.

All we received was an implication that our child was unplanned and in order to prevent any more accidents in the future that your's truly better rubber up.


So C'mon people... say it with me, and put a little stink on it this time... WHATS WITH THAT ALREADY?

Here's a picture of my baby (Adrienne Chou Cooper) this was taken when she was 9 days old... she's now 30 days. She's very beautiful (looks like me)

She is the reason I have became a blog neglector of late (blame her). She is also the reason behind my lack of sleep and the reason behind the feeling of pure joy that's been with me ever since she was born.

PS... there will be more of the RANTY posts coming soon (I know Y'all love them)

SO anyway The guy I work with was all smiles today when I mentioned I would be getting my blog out.

That's him on the left... Now I ask you dear reader, how was I supposed to know that he's a gaylord focker?

1999 was a crazy year, Apparently Prince was about to party and I was starting to drink coffee. A drink I had no interest in before and I blame friends for it... my real friends that is - not the american s*it-com. Well ladies and gentlemen I'm please to announce that my plan to be drinking straight n' black with an extra shot **Y'gotta have that extra shot** by the time I drank my 50th coffee was a great success I even got my 50th cup free because the coffee shop owner knew of my plan (or at least she thought she did... actually my only real plan was to get a free cup of coffee... but more on that later*)

A year later they opened a starbucks, a costa and a pret all in my little ol' town. So my question is this... why is it, whenever I ask for a large coffee do the baristas or as I like to call them: c***s (costa are the worst for this) feel the need to point to the largest of the 3 cups sitting right in goddam front of me and ask, do you know this is the large?.... needless to say I no longer go to costa.

2 days have passed since I started in on the poor coffee shops above, I'm only telling you this to excuse the forthcoming tangent.

There is a cafe in Glasgow's south side called The Globe, it's been run by the same family for generations, they are absolute legends, they're like the Chainsaw family... only without the murders (unless they are murdering scum and have yet to be discovered, in which case let me be the first to offer my condolences to thier victims families.
ANYway, I was in there the other day having breakfast and this student came in and provided me with the finest free entertainment for many a day. What follows is the conversation that went on between this student and the cafe owner... hold on to your sides, they may just split.

Student: Can I have 2 latte's and an americano?
Globe guy: Are they all for you?
Student: My two associates are waiting outside... (he really called them associates, I couldn't make this sh*t up)
Globe guy: are they the 2 on the skateboards?
Student: YES
Globe Guy: so three coffee's one with no milk, anything else?
Student: are they latte's?
Globe Guy: what's a latte?
Student: is has more milk than usual.
Globe guy: **to waitress** put extra milk in them, anything else?
Student: **defeated** no thanks ;-(

you can draw your own conclusions, if you think as I do that coffee shop pretentions and students deserve all the mockings they receive, then you should join my mailing list. On the other hand if you don't see anything wrong with going into a traditional cafe and asking for latte's and calling your friends associates... then STOP READING NOW!!! your kind is not welcome here (words I'm sure your are familiar with)

okay it's Saturday morning and I'm asking you... what's with my mates' sister?
she always refers to her brother as the clever one*, Dave is the ladies man** and I'm the funny one*** ... how many times do I have to tell her WE ARE NOT THE F*%@$&G A-Team!!




* because he wear glasses

** because he's been dumped more than the rest of us

***because I neither have girl trouble and can see unaided.

What's with Tony Blair already?
His cabinet are fookin' up left, right and in the middle, and good ol' Tone is standing by them no matter what. Had an affair? - that's fine by me, upset 95% of the NHS staff? - no problem, what's that? you've mistakingly released thousands of prisoners who have gone on to rape, rob and vandalise - I want to subscribe to your news letter.

This is the Labour government who promised to be tough on crime... which they have, D'y'all remember that little old lady who couldn't afford to pay her council tax? thankfully our elected representitive seen through her lies and threw her ass in Jail where it belonged this is a NEW LABOUR party alright. We can all sleep alot safer tonight, safe in the knowledge that this war-surviving freeloader is safely behind bars.

Uncle Tony himself said that Labours greatest achievement was stablizing the econemy and reducing interest rates (both thanks to Gordy Brown, ol' buddy ol' pal) meanwhile our hero has been busy ganging up on non threatening countries, dropping bombs on foreign people not to mention turning the UK into a top terrorist hotpsot and all this whilst taking the guided tour of Bush jnr's botty.

Old Labour, New Labour... I'm holding out for REAL Labour. You wouldn't get this corruption with communists Y'know. So dearest reader I ask you... what's with politicians already?

I s'ppose I really oughta begin by offering up the question, what's with all these blogs already? what on earth in a blogger? and why I felt the need to join their ranks? I should also mention at this stage that I have NEVER actually read a blog and I suspect that nobody else has either... except for you of course dear reader and dare I say best pal.

In 4 short years I have gone from being a young, single, gay *and by that I mean happy* care-free average joe to a married (told you I wasn't gay) homeowner and as of the 28th March 2006, a father aswell. Despite all these life changes and added responsabilities... I'm rock 'n roll through and through **but I'm sure you'd already guessed that**

so, on with the show... this blog is intended to take the place of all those motorists who cut me up that I never rammed off the road, all those politicians I never assasinated, all the TV shows I never stopped watching, all those coffee shops I never boycotted, all those morons I never insulted blah blah blah.... In other words, all those things that make me ask myself.. what's with that?

So if you get your jollies reading such material, then stick around and if you don't.... WHAT'S WITH YOU ALREADY!!!!