1999 was a crazy year, Apparently Prince was about to party and I was starting to drink coffee. A drink I had no interest in before and I blame friends for it... my real friends that is - not the american s*it-com. Well ladies and gentlemen I'm please to announce that my plan to be drinking straight n' black with an extra shot **Y'gotta have that extra shot** by the time I drank my 50th coffee was a great success I even got my 50th cup free because the coffee shop owner knew of my plan (or at least she thought she did... actually my only real plan was to get a free cup of coffee... but more on that later*)

A year later they opened a starbucks, a costa and a pret all in my little ol' town. So my question is this... why is it, whenever I ask for a large coffee do the baristas or as I like to call them: c***s (costa are the worst for this) feel the need to point to the largest of the 3 cups sitting right in goddam front of me and ask, do you know this is the large?.... needless to say I no longer go to costa.

2 days have passed since I started in on the poor coffee shops above, I'm only telling you this to excuse the forthcoming tangent.

There is a cafe in Glasgow's south side called The Globe, it's been run by the same family for generations, they are absolute legends, they're like the Chainsaw family... only without the murders (unless they are murdering scum and have yet to be discovered, in which case let me be the first to offer my condolences to thier victims families.
ANYway, I was in there the other day having breakfast and this student came in and provided me with the finest free entertainment for many a day. What follows is the conversation that went on between this student and the cafe owner... hold on to your sides, they may just split.

Student: Can I have 2 latte's and an americano?
Globe guy: Are they all for you?
Student: My two associates are waiting outside... (he really called them associates, I couldn't make this sh*t up)
Globe guy: are they the 2 on the skateboards?
Student: YES
Globe Guy: so three coffee's one with no milk, anything else?
Student: are they latte's?
Globe Guy: what's a latte?
Student: is has more milk than usual.
Globe guy: **to waitress** put extra milk in them, anything else?
Student: **defeated** no thanks ;-(

you can draw your own conclusions, if you think as I do that coffee shop pretentions and students deserve all the mockings they receive, then you should join my mailing list. On the other hand if you don't see anything wrong with going into a traditional cafe and asking for latte's and calling your friends associates... then STOP READING NOW!!! your kind is not welcome here (words I'm sure your are familiar with)

okay it's Saturday morning and I'm asking you... what's with my mates' sister?
she always refers to her brother as the clever one*, Dave is the ladies man** and I'm the funny one*** ... how many times do I have to tell her WE ARE NOT THE F*%@$&G A-Team!!




* because he wear glasses

** because he's been dumped more than the rest of us

***because I neither have girl trouble and can see unaided.

What's with Tony Blair already?
His cabinet are fookin' up left, right and in the middle, and good ol' Tone is standing by them no matter what. Had an affair? - that's fine by me, upset 95% of the NHS staff? - no problem, what's that? you've mistakingly released thousands of prisoners who have gone on to rape, rob and vandalise - I want to subscribe to your news letter.

This is the Labour government who promised to be tough on crime... which they have, D'y'all remember that little old lady who couldn't afford to pay her council tax? thankfully our elected representitive seen through her lies and threw her ass in Jail where it belonged this is a NEW LABOUR party alright. We can all sleep alot safer tonight, safe in the knowledge that this war-surviving freeloader is safely behind bars.

Uncle Tony himself said that Labours greatest achievement was stablizing the econemy and reducing interest rates (both thanks to Gordy Brown, ol' buddy ol' pal) meanwhile our hero has been busy ganging up on non threatening countries, dropping bombs on foreign people not to mention turning the UK into a top terrorist hotpsot and all this whilst taking the guided tour of Bush jnr's botty.

Old Labour, New Labour... I'm holding out for REAL Labour. You wouldn't get this corruption with communists Y'know. So dearest reader I ask you... what's with politicians already?

I s'ppose I really oughta begin by offering up the question, what's with all these blogs already? what on earth in a blogger? and why I felt the need to join their ranks? I should also mention at this stage that I have NEVER actually read a blog and I suspect that nobody else has either... except for you of course dear reader and dare I say best pal.

In 4 short years I have gone from being a young, single, gay *and by that I mean happy* care-free average joe to a married (told you I wasn't gay) homeowner and as of the 28th March 2006, a father aswell. Despite all these life changes and added responsabilities... I'm rock 'n roll through and through **but I'm sure you'd already guessed that**

so, on with the show... this blog is intended to take the place of all those motorists who cut me up that I never rammed off the road, all those politicians I never assasinated, all the TV shows I never stopped watching, all those coffee shops I never boycotted, all those morons I never insulted blah blah blah.... In other words, all those things that make me ask myself.. what's with that?

So if you get your jollies reading such material, then stick around and if you don't.... WHAT'S WITH YOU ALREADY!!!!