1999 was a crazy year, Apparently Prince was about to party and I was starting to drink coffee. A drink I had no interest in before and I blame friends for it... my real friends that is - not the american s*it-com. Well ladies and gentlemen I'm please to announce that my plan to be drinking straight n' black with an extra shot **Y'gotta have that extra shot** by the time I drank my 50th coffee was a great success I even got my 50th cup free because the coffee shop owner knew of my plan (or at least she thought she did... actually my only real plan was to get a free cup of coffee... but more on that later*)

A year later they opened a starbucks, a costa and a pret all in my little ol' town. So my question is this... why is it, whenever I ask for a large coffee do the baristas or as I like to call them: c***s (costa are the worst for this) feel the need to point to the largest of the 3 cups sitting right in goddam front of me and ask, do you know this is the large?.... needless to say I no longer go to costa.

2 days have passed since I started in on the poor coffee shops above, I'm only telling you this to excuse the forthcoming tangent.

There is a cafe in Glasgow's south side called The Globe, it's been run by the same family for generations, they are absolute legends, they're like the Chainsaw family... only without the murders (unless they are murdering scum and have yet to be discovered, in which case let me be the first to offer my condolences to thier victims families.
ANYway, I was in there the other day having breakfast and this student came in and provided me with the finest free entertainment for many a day. What follows is the conversation that went on between this student and the cafe owner... hold on to your sides, they may just split.

Student: Can I have 2 latte's and an americano?
Globe guy: Are they all for you?
Student: My two associates are waiting outside... (he really called them associates, I couldn't make this sh*t up)
Globe guy: are they the 2 on the skateboards?
Student: YES
Globe Guy: so three coffee's one with no milk, anything else?
Student: are they latte's?
Globe Guy: what's a latte?
Student: is has more milk than usual.
Globe guy: **to waitress** put extra milk in them, anything else?
Student: **defeated** no thanks ;-(

you can draw your own conclusions, if you think as I do that coffee shop pretentions and students deserve all the mockings they receive, then you should join my mailing list. On the other hand if you don't see anything wrong with going into a traditional cafe and asking for latte's and calling your friends associates... then STOP READING NOW!!! your kind is not welcome here (words I'm sure your are familiar with)