last night I had, what I can best describe as an internal conversation with myself debating the ethics of abortion. (needless to say.. I won the debate)

when my wife was pregnant with the messiah, we were advised to undergo an amniotic fluid test, to eliminate any chromosome disorders, downs syndrome being the biggie amongst them. Naturally being 2 fairly educated people who decided to have a child, we were aware of the possible risks etc and happily took the test.

During our pre-test "council" the nurse had remarked that the tests were virtually redundant because after all, if downs was detected it wasn't as if we would get rid of our darling foetus. Actually, I said.. that's exactly what we would do, otherwise we wouldn't be taking the test in the first place.

Immediately her attitude towards us (or perhaps just me) changed. We were no longer the nervous parents in waiting, we had become the pro-child murdering tag-team. It's not that downs children aren't lovely or anything, I think I'm just not strong enough to cope and offer that child the care/love it deserves. I realise it's a failing in me, some people can do it... I know I couldn't, nor would I want to try in order to disprove what I already know to be true., that really would be playing god.

so, back to my internal dialogue, After comic relief (rednoseday.com) I'd been feeling more philanthropic than usual and started to cry thinking about all the thousands of children and adults living lives of immense pain and suffering simply because they happened to be born on a specific patch of the planet we all share.

I was trying to conclude if children with mental disabilities were better off dead.. I know, I know, I can hear all the pro-lifers right now... "who are you to decide who lives of dies blah blah blah..." I'm nobody, I'm nothing, but let's have the debate.

in 1997 a European study showed that 18% of downs babies dies before they hit double figures and the lancet reported that children with Cerebral Palsy rarely make it out of their twenties, so I was trying to reconcile the quality of life they can expect with the certain pain and grief that will undoubtably come with their untimely deaths... each morning I would be waking up thinking .. today could be the day that our little bundle of unresponsive and incontenant joy will die and possibly many parents of such children may herald that day.

So anyway, after hours of debating this subject, I concluded that keep 'em or ban 'em I didn't want one of my own, but then again I already knew that... so as it turned out, that was 2 hours of my life wasted.